


the british aristocrat's guide to escaping space prison

by SleepyMaddy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 13 is.... not doing great but really What Did You Expect, Gen, I just can't, NOT angst!!!!, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, listen i can't have 13 stuck in a space prison on her own until the next special, prison escaping?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23617150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyMaddy/pseuds/SleepyMaddy
Summary: Lady Christina de Souza runs into an old friend in a prison sometime in the very far future, and decides they can probably help each other out
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Christina de Souza
Comments: 18
Kudos: 60





	the british aristocrat's guide to escaping space prison

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [korok](https://archiveofourown.org/users/korok/pseuds/korok) for helping me figure this one out and [silent_h](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silent_h/pseuds/silent_h) for beta-ing!

If there was one thing Christina had learnt over the years, it was that it was never about the title. It was all about the attitude. 

Take this particular instance. Being Lady Christina de Souza wouldn’t be much help to one if one were to be stuck in a high security alien prison in the far future. _Acting_ like a Lady Christina de Souza, however, would be useful in any situation, including while one was under Judoon custody.

Sure, the Kastar she was talking business with might not have any idea what a peerage even _was_ , but charm and the nobility’s delightful hypocrisy were about as universal a language as they came –aided, perhaps, by the translation chips they were both wearing.

The Kastar folded a tentacle under what Christina assumed was their chin. “You drive a hard bargain, Lady Christina.”

Her smile was the perfect mix of amused and don’t-even-think-about-haggling; she’d had enough time to perfect it over the years.

“Merely the bargain that was agreed upon.” She held up the piece of alder crystal in the Kastar’s direction. “So?”

Christina wasn’t an expert in Kastar body language, but she could tell this negotiation wouldn’t end in her favor. To be fair to her opponent, the vortex manipulator she was trying to buy off was the closest thing to invaluable, even if it was seemingly damaged beyond repair. 

The creature made a hissing sound. “How about this: you double your offer, and I’ll throw in an exclusive with it too.”

Christina wasn’t a very trusting person by nature, but the glint in the Kastar’s eye made her pause. “What kind of exclusive?”

“A new prisoner’s just arrived. Big deal, big name, apparently. Word has it a whole wing’s been emptied out, just for them. Some kind of old cold case they finally cracked.”

“And why should I care?”

One tentacle gestured in her direction. “They look like you. Plus, high security prisoner means new security measures. Might be interesting to know more –depending on your upcoming plans, of course.” The Kastar’s central eye turned towards the alder she was still holding.

If she’d had more time, she probably could have talked her fellow prisoner into giving her both the manipulator and the information at the original price. Unfortunately, the weekly Mandatory Socialization Hour of Kastadel Prison was running out, taking her opportunity with it. She decided to let her instinct trump her business sense and fished another crystal from her pocket, sliding both across the table. 

The alien did the closest thing to a satisfied smirk before pocketing them. “Not much is known yet.”

She lifted a brow. “I certainly hope that much alder's bought me more information than _that_.” She crossed her arms. “How about a name?”

“They go by the Doctor.”

*

Christina didn’t love having to rearrange pre-established plans, but she was nothing if not flexible, and she knew an excellent opportunity when she heard of one.

It took her a while to manage to get a good look at the prison’s new guest, but she wasn’t one to give up easily. High security also meant solitary, and it was several days before she managed to shift just enough routines of just enough minutes to catch a glimpse of the prisoner.

A lady should never be taken by surprise. Still, what she saw wasn’t quite what she’d expected. This demanded a one on one interlude.

It cost her a lot more alder, four strategic cash-in of favours, and way too many repetitive conversations but eventually, the door to the high security wing of Kastadel Prison opened for her. It also closed behind her with a muttered “four minutes” from the on-guard warden before he stepped away.

For a brief but awful second, Christina thought she’d been had: the cell looked empty, the one patch of light from the small barred window very much void of any prisoner. As her eyes adjusted though, she managed to make out the form sitting unmoving against the wall in a darker corner.

“I always thought that if I got to see you again, it’d be in nicer circumstances,” she said nonchalantly. “You know, a beach, probably some cocktails. _Definitely_ no prison wardens.”

The person snapped their head in her direction. “ _Christina_?”

She couldn’t help the tiny spark of relief. “So it _is_ you. You’ll forgive my uncertainty; you’ve–changed quite a bit.”

The prisoner scrambled to their feet and stepped forward into the light, giving Christina her first proper look at the Doctor.

It wasn’t so much the whole woman thing –although seeing the “different person” aspect was a bit different to hearing about it. It was mostly the bags under her eyes, the defeated slump to her shoulders, and the sheer _tiredness_ she radiated, which were all so at odds with the overexcitement bordering on hyperactivity she associated with the alien called the Doctor.

Still, for a second there, shock overtook any form of exhaustion on the Doctor’s face and Christina couldn’t help but smile ever so smugly. She’d always loved to make an entrance.

“How are you _here_?” The Doctor sounded inexplicably Northern, but it was charming, in its own way.

She shrugged one shoulder. “Oh, a misunderstanding, you know how it is. You try to get a better look at some jewellery and next thing you know, everyone’s pointing a gun at you.”

“I _meant_ , how are you in a prison that’s a full universal quadrant and several thousands years away from 21st century Earth?”

“Oh _._ ” She made a dismissive hand gesture. “I have my ways.”

“ _Which are_?”

“You meet all sorts of interesting people when you travel with a flying double decker, Doctor. Let’s just say my ride got a few _upgrades_ over time.” A Judoon walked past the cell, the stomping unmistakable, and she winced, reminded of the situation at hand. “But we can catch up later. I have very limited time, and we have a few things to discuss.”

The Doctor still looked gobsmacked. “About what?”

Christina cocked her head to the side. “Why, our way out of here, of course.”

“You’re _escaping_?”

“Well, I’m certainly not planning on _staying_.” 

*

“This is isn’t going to work,” the Doctor said, sitting cross legged on the floor, head bent over the open vortex manipulator. Small colourful wires were poking out of the casing, sparking at her fingers at random intervals, but she didn’t seem to mind. “I need my sonic.”

They were in a large open field of soft green grass. Well, to be more accurate, they were in the Kastadel prison Holographic Enrichment and Leisure Location, which had currently been made to look like a large grassy field. 

The Judoon may be relentless, but they were also nothing if not law abiding. As dictated by the 748th convention for Sentient Life Forms’ Rights To Health And Happiness, all prisoners had to be offered specially adapted enrichment periods and equipment. That included prisoners in solitary.

The enrichment location was a specially designed room, equipped with just enough technology to recreate more or less any environment for its occupant. Christina knew from experience that top of the range models could transport you to anywhere you chose and offer _complete_ immersion –enough to totally distract its user, even if said user happened to be in the process of, say, getting their cash vault emptied.

However, Kastadel didn’t quite have access to top of the range models, which meant the scene here was a bit more limited. If she concentrated, she could pinpoint the exact moment the scenery around them looped back to the start, and the grassy smell had a definite antiseptic tinge to it. Still, it could have been worse. When she had first gotten here, the Judoon in charge had never even _seen_ a human, which had led to her first enrichment period taking place at the bottom of a virtual ocean –complete with alien deep sea creatures. It had been something of a… distressing experience. They’d thankfully updated their database to include more human friendly landscapes since then.

This field was one of them. She’d spent more time than she cared to think about trudging alongside its borders during her own enrichment periods.

However, today was not one of them. With a few carefully placed exchanges, she’d managed to secure her way inside the room during the Doctor’s designated time, giving them the chance to talk.

Christina took one last look at the surrounding area to ensure no Judoon were about to march in before turning back to her. “What about your sonic?”

The Doctor was scrunching her face in concentration, but she looked –better. Less haunted, anyway. Giving her something tech-y to fiddle with did that, Christina had noticed.

“They took it as soon as I got here, obviously, but I can’t fix this up properly without it.” A spark burnt her fingers and she threw her hand back with a yelp, before ripping out the offending wire altogether. She tossed it over her shoulder. “I need it back.”

Christina nodded. “It’ll be in the storage units, at the top of the prison. They’re obligated to keep all personal effects for return at the end of the sentence.”

The Doctor shot her a blank look. “I got a life sentence.”

“Still. You never know when someone might get pardoned and make things awkward. It’ll be there.” Christina smiled. “As it happens, I also need to retrieve something from the units, so this works out perfectly.”

The Doctor narrowed her eyes at her. “What?”

She shook her head. “Oh, a trinket. It’s got great sentimental value.”

A glint of something that looked like amusement passed over the Doctor’s features. “ _Sentimental_ value, huh?”

“Well, it’s also got a certain monetary value, but it’s the sentimental one that counts.” Christina tilted her head, looking at the Doctor’s handiwork. The vortex manipulator looked in much worse shape than it had when it had first found its way into her hands. “You do know what you’re doing, yes?” 

A ghost of the arrogance she remembered from the Doctor she’d first met showed itself in the tilt of her eyebrow. “Me? Always.”

*

“Did you get it?”

“Why, hello to you, too.” Christina closed the door to the storage closet behind her and her eyes took a second to adjust to the dark. The only source of light was a miniature gravity globe floating a few centimetres above the ground. “And yes, I did.”

She crouched on the floor next to the sitting Doctor and pulled the materials she’d requested out of her pocket –the space equivalent of electrical tape, a metal fork, and, most difficult to acquire of all, a small round biscuit. She was curious to see how that last bit was going to help with the rewiring.

The Doctor’s eyes lit up and she went for the biscuit immediately, cramming it into her mouth before reaching for the metal fork and getting to work.

Christina lifted a brow. “Are you telling me I risked extending my sentence into a lifelong one so that you could have a _snack_?”

The Doctor rolled her eyes but didn’t turn away from the gutted interface she was poking at. “Not like you’re staying anyway, is it?” she said, wiping crumbs from her mouth with the back of her free hand. “Plus, don’t underestimate snacking. I get all my best ideas when I’m snacking.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” She sat back against the door. “We’ve got about seven minutes, by the way. After that, wardens rotate and my guys can’t help us anymore.”

The Doctor shot her a brief, curious look. “How’d you manage that, by the way?”

“Manage what?”

“Building a –network like that, in here. Getting ‘guys’.” She didn’t make air quotes, but that was probably only because her hands were busy.

Christina tried her best disarming smile. “Traditional British charm.” The Doctor scrunched her face and she continued: “...And a few alder chips. It’s very valuable here, and very abundant a few solar systems away. With good transport, it’s easy enough to procure, and I’ve got the best transport one can have. I built up a stock before I got sent here.”

The Doctor still didn’t seem convinced. “But you can’t buy off Judoon. Well, you _can_ , but once they’re under contract, they stick to it.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t even try. But this prison doesn’t only employ Judoon.”

“Why not? I thought they ran the place.”

Christina clicked her tongue. “They do, but a fully Judoonese workforce wouldn’t be in accordance with the Aquaria Convention for equal work rights, of course. Or at least that’s what they think.” She elaborated when the Doctor shot her a confused look. “I have an excellent ally on the outside. She passed herself off as a convention representative and shouted at them until they started hiring more… liberally.” She smiled at the memory. “She’s very good at that, shouting.”

The Doctor seemed surprised. “Didn’t take you for a team player.”

“I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ve found that a good partnership has its uses.” 

“She must be special, then.”

Christina grinned. “Oh, you’ve no idea. But no need to get jealous,” she added with a wink, “I’d say we still make quite a team, you and I; wouldn’t you agree?”

*

The plan itself was ridiculously simple, really, but it was just ridiculous enough to succeed. 

Christina had managed to gather enough materials over the weeks to put her cat burglar skills to good use. She’d sneak her way to the top floors of the prison, break into the storage units via the ceiling vents, and retrieve the necessary equipments. Meanwhile, the Doctor would handle the creation of a diversion. 

It had taken them a little while to get the right idea –not too loud, not too small. The Doctor had come up with several alternatives, that Christina had all had to veto for the very simple reason that they all involved the Doctor getting into situations that were way too dangerous to be justified. After Christina had said a firm “no” to her electrifying the metal walkways to knock out the wardens, a definite “absolutely not” to venting the air from her high security wing, and a bewildered “what the hell?” to scaling the outside of the facility —“It’s in _space_! We’re in _space_ , Doctor! You can’t just go out in space!”—, the Doctor had eventually relented and switched to smaller scale plans. 

“What about the psychological units?” she’d finally asked during one of their last meetings.

“What about them?”

“They use psychic interfaces, don’t they? No way they have an actual Judoon psychologist on here, and they have to offer the care, legally.” The Doctor’s eyes had widened. “Wait. _Do_ they have a Judoon psychologist?”

Christina had shaken her head, remembering her own mandatory visit. “No, you’re right, it _is_ a psychic interface… thing. I think. Didn’t really work for me.” She’d frowned and spoken again before the Doctor could launch into a tirade about how psychically unskilled humans were. “But I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“I can overload it. Should be easy enough, _and_ the explosion wouldn’t be large enough to cause any harm,” she’d added before Christina could veto the idea.

“How are you going to get access to it, though?”

She’d looked vaguely sheepish. “They’ve sort of been pestering me to go. I’m sure they’ll be very happy to hear I changed my mind.”

The Doctor avoiding therapy –how surprising. “And how does one overload a psychic interface?”

“Oh, trust me,” the Doctor had said, an odd glint in her eyes. “I’ve got a knack for it.”

Christina hadn’t been able to help the hope that the Doctor might get to actually go through a bit of the session before blowing up the unit. Something told her she could really have used it. 

The idea was that the overloading would cause a small scale explosion, something large enough to draw attention away from Christina as she made her way up, and then back down. Once she got back downstairs, it was all a matter of finding the Doctor, using the sonic to let her out of her cell, letting her finish fixing up the manipulator and then they’d be on their way. 

The crucial thing was to be discreet. The prison itself was surrounded with a Navora forcefield, which disabled any form of transportation more advanced than a tricycle. However, the visitor welcoming bay was, by necessity, exempt from this field. So long as they managed to reach it undetected, they’d be able to operate the vortex manipulator just fine from there. However, if the Judoon were to realize something was going on, they’d be able to put the entire asteroid on lockdown, which would extend the field all the way around. There’d be no way out.

It was therefore all a matter of striking a delicate balance between creating enough of a commotion to be able to call it a diversion, but remaining discrete enough to avoid the Judoon realizing that the mess was actually an escape attempt.

Which is why Christina was very, _very_ upset when the whole prison shook with a massive explosion, right as she was hanging from a wire in mid air in storage unit B. 

Alarms immediately started to blare and red lights flooded the room. It at least had the advantage of getting any guards assigned to the units to run off, leaving her free to grab everything she needed –plus a few extras– before going back the way she’d come. 

When she reached the hallway she’d left from, it was a long way off from the deserted corridor it was supposed to be. White smoke obscured everything, and prisoners and wardens alike were shouting and running in every direction, while the alarms blared even louder. 

“So much for subtle!” Christina swiveled around to find the Doctor striding towards her, hair disheveled and an angry red mark on her temple. “What did you _do_?”

“What? This wasn’t _me_!” Christina defended herself against the Doctor’s accusatory tone. “I thought it was you!”

The Doctor faltered for a second, clearly taken off guard. “What? No! I mean, I overloaded the interface but it didn’t do—“

Before the Doctor could complete her sentence, the wall behind her exploded. 

When Christina managed to shake off the whistling in her ears and the general disorientation enough to stand back up again, someone was striding through the wall, a Judoon weapon in each hand. “Right then, ladies, gentlemen, and beyond,” a familiar American accent announced, “I’m looking for someone. Help me find them and we’ll all get along just fine.”

Despite his far from subtle entrance, the chaos reining in the hallway meant that neither prisoners nor wardens paid him much attention. Christina did, though. She would’ve recognized that jawline anywhere. 

“Captain Jack Harkness,” she said, forcing herself to let go of the support of the wall. Her head was still ringing a bit, but she was starting to feel better. “I should’ve guessed.”

He squinted at her in the smoke for a second before breaking out into a dazzling grin. “Lady Christina. Been a while. I was starting to wonder where you’d gotten off to.”

Christina was saved from having to find something witty to say in response –her head was still spinning a bit too much for that– by the Doctor’s incredulous voice: “Jack?”

He turned in her direction and Christina saw him try to figure out where he could know her from. “Hi, sweetheart,” he said, turning up the charming grin when it became painfully obvious that he couldn’t place her. 

The Doctor’s disgusted scrunch was immediate. “Oh, don’t start.”

Something clicked in Jack’s gaze and he gave her a once over, taking in the faded rainbow shirt and neon braces. “Doctor?”

She was staring at the weapons he was holding, a displeased curl to her mouth. “What do you think you’re _doing_?”

Despite the Doctor’s chastising tone, Jack broke out into a wide, happy grin. “It _is_ you!” He took a step towards her before seemingly reconsidering. “How’ve you been?” 

The Doctor blinked at him before turning to Christina. “They’ll have engaged the full lock down.”

“I know.” Christina glared in Jack’s direction. “Thanks for that.”

He lifted both hands. “Oh, wow, wow, what did I do?”

Christina squeezed her eyes shut for a second against the migraine she felt coming on. “Your sense of timing is just a little bit off. As _always_.”

“Hey! I feel like I deserve a bit of a warmer welcome, considering I’m the rescue party _._ ”

She lifted a brow. “Yes, it’s really lovely of you to come and rescue me –oh wait, you _didn’t_.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “This is about Ibiza 19 again, isn’t it?”

She scoffed. “Oh _please_ –”

“It is! I knew you weren’t over it!”

She stepped forward to jab a finger into his chest. “You _framed_ me and called the police on me to get a head start off planet!”

“For the last time, it’s not framing if you actually _committed_ the crime–”

She took a deep breath. “This isn’t the time.” She turned away from him, addressing the Doctor. “The manipulator isn’t going to work with the field still active.”

The Doctor nodded. ”I can try to boost the signal, but it’s a long shot. Did you get the sonic?”

Christina realized something as she tossed it in her direction. “Wait a minute,” she said, turning back to Jack, “how did _you_ get in here?”

He lifted his wrist, flashing a thin black bracelet. “Short range teleport back to my ship. Only carries two, I’m afraid. I didn’t expect to be breaking two people out of jail today.”

“Well, go and find the person you’re looking for, then,” the Doctor said absently, intently staring at the manipulator she was fiddling with. “The explosion took out all the cell locks, they’ll be running about somewhere.”

There was a beat.

“Doctor,” Jack said slowly, “you’re the person I’m breaking out.”

That made her lift her head. “ _What_? Me? Why? No, wait, can’t be. How did you even know I was in here?”

He made a face. “Long story. Yasmin Khan says hello, though.”

The Doctor’s jaw fell open, but something wasn’t clicking for Christina. “How can you be using a short range teleport? This whole place is surrounded with a Navora field. It shouldn’t be working.”

Jack’s smile turned dazzling. “What did you think the explosions were for?”

“You blew out the forcefield?”

“And the locks. And most of the security.” He looked at his watch with a frown. “The systems are self rebooting though, and it’s not long until they restart. I’ve got a few more explosives set but they won’t–” 

Another, more distant explosion cut him off, shaking the ground and sending Christina tumbling in his direction. He caught her before she could fall, his smile edging decidedly into cheesy territory. “Maybe I _do_ owe you an apology for Ibiza 19,” he said, “but you’ll only get it if you apologize for stealing my vortex manipulator.”

With her own charming grin, Christina let him right her to her feet. “Guess no one is apologizing today, then,” she said sweetly and he laughed a little. She dusted herself off. “How nice is your little getaway vehicle?” she asked innocently.

Jack made a face. “Well, you know me, I do have _taste_.”

The Doctor looked like she was considering going back to her cell and just staying there. “Fixed,” she announced, interrupting them. The device immediately sparked in her hands, with an ominous _beep_. She shrugged. “As close as it’s going to get anyway.”

“Right.” Christina took a step back from the both of them, hands behind her back. “Well, this has been _fun_. We should catch up properly, one of these days, Doctor.” She winked at her. “Call me.”

Before either of them could say anything, she raised her hand, letting them both catch sight of the teleport relay she’d stolen off Jack’s wrist a minute before. “Captain,” she said, before pressing the recall button.

She had the time to catch his realization before the teleport activated. They’d be fine, both him and the Doctor –they had a functioning, or near enough, vortex manipulator, after all. She, however, had a bus to get back to, and she liked to travel in _style_.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Lady Christina de Souza day!! this was really fun to write and a great way to forget how much i miss 13 for a little while
> 
> As an aside, if you’re in any way curious about Christina’s partner in crime, i recommend checking out [This Is Tomorrow (the getaway driver remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/81745) by [Netgirl_y2k](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Netgirl_y2k/pseuds/Netgirl_y2k). actually, even if you aren’t curious, i recommend reading it anyway because it’s exceptional and completely canon as far as i'm concerned
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr: @taardisblue


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